It’s 6:22 pm and my dick is still hard. It’s been 5 days like this, and I don’t know what the hell is going on. It couldn’t have been the Viagra, because I was tricked into thinking it was a suppository, and there’s no time to explain why or how I was tricked into sticking 5 Viagra tablets into my anus. All there is time for right now is problem-solving. This dick of mine has got to go soft, tonight.
Five days straight of a raging boner can do much to a man that many other things can’t. In these past days of my seemingly eternal erection, I’ve stuck my penis into every orifice around me. My couches were not safe even during the first few hours of my everlasting chubby. I’ve crammed my dick into CD players, cardboard boxes, bottles of lotion, and I even considered turning to my cat “Muffin” for help. All of these attempts fell flat on their face. Enough is enough of this. As hard as I thrust into anything, or as diligently I focus on orgasm, nothing seems to be happening to me. Not an inch forward of progress, not a moment of success.
It’s time for me to get this boner out of here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 2 minutes later - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It’s 2 minutes later since I proclaimed that my erection was to be eliminated. No solution has been conjured, so now I pace around my apartment trying to find something that can make me ejaculate. Then, right here and there, it hits me; my ex girlfriend can fix this for me.
No, no, that’s bad. Don’t do that. Don’t even think that. You know what kind of trouble your ex-girlfriend will get you into, man. You know the treachery that awaits you if you turn to her for aid. You’ll have to find this out yourself. It’s time to be a man and solve my own problems.
It’s time for me to get rid of this boner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 20 minutes later - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I know that I shouldn’t be here. And I know damn well that she’s not going to willingly help me with this. But 5 days is far too long. I need to extinguish this erection.
I get out of my car and walk silently across the yard, trying my best to hide my visible erection among the shadows. Here, at least if anyone sees me I’ll have a viable excuse. I’m here to visit my girlfriend. She was always near and dear to my heart, so I wouldn’t even have to worry about lying if I were to be confronted. For now, however, the place looks empty.
I stroll along the flower dressed garden, across a small bridge overhanging a creek, and arrive at my destination. With each moment that passes, and each pep in my stride, my penis vibrates a pain out of me that can only be compared to the pain one experiences through chemotherapy. Sure, I’ve never had cancer, but I’ve seen the look of despair on the faces of those that have got Cancer, and I can with grace tell you that I am in their very same pain right now.
The area is dimly lit so it’s hard for me to find the latch to the door. In my pulsating penis frenzy, I clearly overlooked a couple of things; I didn’t bring my flashlight, or a condom. But these problems lay on an uncaring mind. Right now I had only the objective in sight, and nothing was to steer me away.
I find the latch to her door and it’s covered in moss and dirt. Clearly there’s no kind of up-keep in this place, but the aesthetics of the situation are of no appeal to me. Right now, I need relief. And Goddamnit will I get it at any costs!
In the shadows I try to navigate my hand to open this latch. I don’t have a screwdriver with me, so my teeth-bitten-nails will have to suffice for now. I’m scratching at the latch with such vigor and carelessness that my fingers begin to bleed. This never stopped me in the past, and it sure as hell won’t stop me now.
The latch gives way and eventually I’m inside. The door made a deafening creak when it opened, and I stand still for a moment in the shadows as to not be seen by any passerby’s. Surely if someone saw me breaking into this place they would condemn me to the pits of hell. I don’t, however, give two Goddamns because I have a penis that needs relieving right now. I have a ballsack that needs to be emptied. It’s time to get rid of this boner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 5 Minutes Later - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My baby came through. I knew she would. And as it seemed now, I was clear of any danger. So I took a brief moment to stand over her body and marvel in her beauty, in her memories. She was so beautiful then, she really was. And I’d missed her so much. But here we were, reunited at last. I fix her dress and position her as she was when I found her. Then I close the coffin, apply the lock, and pull myself out of the damp grave. I’d done a couple of push ups the previous night, so pulling myself out of the hole seemed a little bit more tedious than I had hoped. But, that was neither here nor there, for my raging erection had now ceased to be.
I dangled and flailed my flaccid penis about in the dim street lit corner of the cemetery. Triumphantly I whistled and danced as I filled the grave back up with dirt. As I neared the end of the process, I cried a solitary tear, kissed my middle and pointer fingers on my right hand, and placed them to the dirt that lay atop my sweet sweet Victoria. I missed her dearly, and thanked her so much for all that she had done for me.
Then I zipped my pre-cum stained pants up, tightened my belt to the fourth loop hole, buttoned up my shirt, and casually strolled back to my car. All the while embracing the last memory that I will ever share with my Victoria.
