February 2012
14 posts
15 tags
Phil
A brisk walk into her own self-view left Melissa Andleberry quite confused indeed. Was she really as lowly and pathetic as her insecure mind had proclaimed, or was she truly the beauty that all other versions of her species would label her? She hadn’t the slightest clue, and she was sure of it that she never would. The only knowledge she had now was that of a defining inkling for a snack of...
A Murderous Wrap
None of us knew the true intentions of this blanket. Some of us even wrapped ourselves in it. The only one that didn’t care for speculation or intimidation was the blanket, and I guarantee it’s because he was up to no good. This blanket threw me off slightly the moment I met it. A forest green, soft rich cotton, large enough spread to fit a king size bed. No, I didn’t like this...
The Greatest Man To Ever Live
The storm was violent, and so was my ego. A relentlessly high-self view that relinquished itself from all outside interpretation or interference. “You’re a damn stubborn fool!” they would often shout at me as I passed by victoriously. Of course the words they spoke were nothing short of magnificent, as all I could hear them permeating out of their underprivileged minds was,...
EAWBS
My name is Constagram Fuhren, I am the head Experimental Experimentalist for the Experimental Agency for the Well Being of Society, or EAWBS. A lot of standard folk inquire as to what exactly I’m experimentally experimenting on. I have to tell them, through and for legal purposes and procedures, that I am experimenting on nothing at all, other than what an experimentalist experiments on....
Outer Filth, Inner Beauty
She was a tender young lady, bright in her rosy cheeks, glamourous in her smile. Her hair was kept to the bare minimum of acceptable. She cared not to be overly viewable or pristine, for she knew deep inside her bones that she was nothing to anyone, nor would she ever be. A gargantuan lack of self-pride or worth, a walking weightlessness. She was ugly, worthless, rubbish. These where the only...
A Story of Love by John Maximus
“I noticed him and looked directly into the aperture of his camera. I saw the shutter open and shut as he snapped a photo of me relentlessly. I then walked up to him and broke his neck in one quick and unseen motion. The passerby’s around me noticed not a thing as I walked away from the corpse. Another time I was in Malaysia, once again laying low from danger. It was after only 2 weeks there that...
John Maximus Hunts The Enemy
———————————————————-**————————————————————
It was raining in the Jungle, but that’s not to say it wasn’t just normal. This rain was wicked. It carried with it an...
What You Thought Was Endofer
A sudden rage or fit of hormonal chemical reactions drove me to squander the meaning of my own petty existence. Livid, ashamed, depressed, and emaciated, I strove for some higher knowledge or meaning to life. I had very well accepted the course of my actions; death possibly, harm certain. Could I potentially exist without purpose or destiny, or would I be left to tremble with the rest of the...
A Brisk Walk Into My Own Self-View
a memoir of courage, hope, and perseverance
by Jimson Herrald
It wasn’t long ago that I found myself isolated, stuck in my own impotent self-view. It had been a wise group of years, followed by only wretchedness and foulness. A time secluded among countless individuals. A time imprisoned behind bars of self-loathing cynicism. Boundless steps taken to...
Don Drasco
While I’m on the subject of my paralyzation, I have to inquire and inform that the prosthetic robotic right arm and hand is nothing to be scared of, nor ashamed, or intimated. Sure, the strength at which I can apply pressure now has significantly increased (7,000 pounds per square inch), and yes I can cleanly punch a hole through a Toyota Camry, but I would never use my powers for ill, nor...
Filmore Quails
I said aloud to him as he spoke willfully of tales and somber, “Look here man, the wind’s howl is too fierce. We’ll have never gotten out alive if we allowed the pain to endure.” He peered at me quizzically as he lifted a miniature siberian tiger statue and fondled it with fat fingers while he giggled like a child. His thin mustache was of a very dark black, and perfect in...
Frank the Tank (an excerpt from Danger Valentine)
I started to get to know just who Bill was shortly after we embarked on our mission. I got to know him because all he would blabber about was himself and something about homelessness that I always only half paid attention to. “I’m homeless and I have problems.” he would say. “Oh, that’s interesting,” I would say back as I deleted his words from my memory immediately after they were spoken.
What...
Jimson Herald Memorial Beds (An Excerpt from...
The Jimson Herald Memorial Beds appeared to me in the form of two beds. Both neatly dressed with a crimson blanket folded near the head, and coupled with a single white pillow that breathed of fresh peppermint. The beds sat end to end of each other in the martian dirt, and there was a small wooden sign that had the words Jimson Herald Memorial Beds etched into it crudely with what I assumed was a...
Rectifying The Infinity (an excerpt from Danger...
Not even a shred of what I knew existed anymore, even in my loneliness of brains. The time went spent from humoring myself, to finding a solution, to wandering aimlessly down this corridor that was I don’t know what. Hope had vanished, as had faith or reason. All I was was a walking shell of man, traversing alien landscape in dreams of finding myself, or something better. Never did I find...
January 2012
2 posts
Raybar Queble
I’m not as bad as they say, you know.
What, with all the deformities and wrongness?
That’s nothing to be afraid of.
There is nothing to be afraid of.
Oh, the daggers and the swords?
The bloody daggers and swords?
That’s nothing to be worried of—
Oh, and the bodies…
Those were here when I came here,
Always.
Only they lied here in my Heart,
and also here in...
Problem Solving 2: Return of the Orifice
It’s 6:22 pm and my dick is still hard. It’s been 5 days like this, and I don’t know what the hell is going on. It couldn’t have been the Viagra, because I was tricked into thinking it was a suppository, and there’s no time to explain why or how I was tricked into sticking 5 Viagra tablets into my anus. All there is time for right now is problem-solving. This...
December 2011
1 post
Shooo
Tuna Smack
By Philmore Quails
A Wippory Wiffablee Funk
The Tonk caught up to grunt!
He Wippo’d his Wippery,
and he Bowzow’d his t!
What funky Wippory Wiffablee
Well funky why yes indeed!
September 2011
1 post
African Wilderness (Sort Of)
I had a dream that 3 hippopotamus were sitting on a fence. I approached near the fence en route to my hiking destination (a heavily wooded area far beyond the hippo). The parent hippo noticed my intrusion and fired off some warning sounds. I took this warning and slowly walked backwards towards the school yard from which I came. The hippo did not agree with my retreat; they took off charging at me...
August 2011
1 post
Detective
p. 42
Nick Williams waits in the shadows as the killer of his orphan daughter, Melaneesgonbrook,
strolls along at her daily regiment.
Being the ultimate warrior and the insatiable detective of crime and punishment,
his disguise in this bush is near perfection.
The enemy unaware that
Nick Williams is in his underwear in the dark in some bush.
Unphased, in his tank-top only could he...
July 2011
3 posts
Maximus
There is a lesson to be learned in everything.
As small or insignificant a moment may seem,
the consequences of your actions
will always reflect that of a direct lesson to be learned.
Be it a moment of prosper, or a moment of shame,
a moment of doubt, a moment of clarity;-
all moments, however insignificant or small they may appear,
if learned from,
will provide an everlasting knowledge,...
Reamer Ford 2 Blows His Own Mind
1.
The year is 3042 AD and the future smells like semen. Amongst legions of soulless masturbators stands one man. One man who dares not engage in these despicable acts of self-pleasuring violence. One man that remains his hands free, off of his acidic laserbeam shooting man-penis. This man’s name is Reamer Ford 2.
Born to a slave mother and a swashbuckling sailor of a father, Reamer...
12 tags
Robert McGool
Robert McGool, felt old and cruel and grey,
Stumbling out of bed and graciously hating every day.
Robert McGool, friend of no fools,
wisest amongst us, for better or worst,
Strolled through the park,
No pride in his heart,
LET DOWN YOUR GUARD IT’S TIME TO FEEL REAL.
Your hair has gone white
and your eyes have gone double,
the sack you keep in your soul,
matches that shit on your...
June 2011
2 posts
1640
intensely prolific inner oppression,
I am the unsettling aura of positive aggression,
like a mirror I am represented by backwards impression
immensely fluid, my thought is stream of progression,
I am dark matter equalized, brought to your concession
In the form of under-appreciated non-profession.
I abstract my mind and equality is my obsession,
but in the end I am nothing more than weak...
Complex Normality
Interesting speculation,
I am nothing more than escalation,
of mind, in complexity, of space
and of time.
Represented by perplexity
the absence of reality is
true understanding
on-one hard to find.
Scraping by texturally
my cerebral cortex felt to see
if physical reality is separate
from me metaphysically
Introspective provision performed unto self
a supernova risen onto form good...
May 2011
1 post
4 tags
Approaching and Addressing
Oh, hey what’s up man. how you doing?
Okay great, now listen
I drove all the way over here
from Florida.
Florida.
And I quit my jobs
and I spent my money on gas
all to meet you, man.
The man himself.
Your Manesty
and now I’ve finally met you.
you’re finally here.
and I realize that you’re not all that
spectacular and d a z z l i n g
You’re just a man....
April 2011
2 posts
7 tags
Change Your Hair, It's Gross
as I peer into the morning night, and gaze into a haze
I feel a slight sensation of motivation
then it’s gone
after all I’ve wronged and all i’ve righted
sleepless nights host no writing
Reputation precedes me,
I’m stale, unfunny, and out of touch.
Completely out of touch to the world
“hello world. do you think I’m cute?”
“do you like me ...
The Courage From Within (Outer Edition)
Okay, so I’m kind of rat-ish.
and my mood fluctuates by situation ,
but this rat-tail I sport on my neck
is nothing short of inspiration.
A young child came to me in the night,
“Hello sir, what’s that on your back?”
You mean the back of my jugular?
Well that’s proof that I’m in the “pack”.
“Yes, but why does it hang down like so?
Why does it maneuver on whim?”
Well that answer is...
March 2011
5 posts
14 tags
Operation Destiny Overload
[an excerpt from the story “Walking With the Eskimos in North Jerusalem”]
The year is 1923. I’m locked inside my young boys bedroom. It’s quiet in here. Too quiet. I suspect there of being ghosts inside this prison. Inside this mental cataclysm. However, I am not frightened in the least. I know my fate and I know of my journey. Nothing shall stop me now. Nothing shall stop me from finding the...
Scandalous Fountain Fish
Let’s say that time does fly.
Let’s say that it flies high up into the air.
Hello time. How are you?
Good I hope.
Time, may I ask you a question?
“Sure.”
Excellent..
Why do you insist on slowing down
at all the wrong
and speeding up
at all the good.
Are you a jerk, time?
I think you are.
You’re a jerk, Time.
Time jerk.
Heartstring Fish Hook (and the Benign Tumor)...
Interview: The Super Band of Supers
Experimental folk musicians Bob “The Green Blue Grass” Geribaldi and Suzy Love Sandwich have joined forces to create a super band known simply as “The Super Band of Supers”. Bob’s unique skills and vision on the harpsichord will match greatly with the outstanding originality in the voice and tambourine playing of Suzy Love Sandwich on their first album, Don’t...
February 2011
4 posts
30 tags
Violent Rain III - Revenge of the Air
(Also Known As Reamer Ford 2 Changes His Mind)
The year was 1948. I was in the attic of my small farm home rummaging through boxes. I was looking for a sign of myself. Looking for any sign of the person I once was. That person doesn’t exist anymore.
My boy climbed into the attic and approached me. He had a very concerned look in his eye and I was positive that something had happened to...
Talk Is Cheap with Stamatia Billis
Hello y’all, this is Talk is Cheap with Stamatia Billis. And I’m your girl, Stamatia Billis. Thanks for tunin’ in bitches, as always. Now, how is you all doing? I hope you doing fine like I am. I been feelin’ good lately and boys and girls do I have some advice to give you tonight! Now, lemme tell you what happened to me earlier today…
I was walking down the street...
Investigative Journalism (careful where you step)
This is just a test page. Any similarities in content on this page to any other pages are completely coincidental. What, you don’t believe me? How about I show you.
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If you look over here, we have a screen with vibrant light shooting out of it. The light is moving at incredible speed and you’re...
A Letter To The Owner of this Olive Garden...
To Whom It May Concern,
Since I’ve given this letter to the young hostess up front, I’m sure you’ve been made aware of the situation in the mens bathroom. Now, I know how rude and inconsiderate it seems to have left the mens bathroom in such… poor condition, but that is the very reason why I am writing this note to you. You see, I’m not completely heartless, just...
January 2011
11 posts
17 tags
Why I Don't Date Dinosaurs
My last girlfriend was a dinosaur. Her name was LaShondasaurus and she was the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. Everyday we would go out into the East Land meadow and frolic around with the other dinos as a ways to spend quality time with each other and the natives of the land. It was 4 months of us going steady before I realized that I’ll never date another Dinosaur again....
25 tags
A Letter to Chester Cheetah
Dear Chester Cheetah,
I have long been a fan of you and your work. Not only have you established a groundbreaking formula that is mimicked the world over for corn chips, but you also have an extensive library that stretches out farther than I can throw a small Indian child. I have been eating your snacks since as early as I can remember, albeit my memory starts at age 7. The first time I bit...
Mandatory Shopping Cart Meeting
- Attention All Shopping Carts -
We have a mandatory meeting in the parking lot tomorrow at 8:00a.m. This is a mandatory meeting, so everyone must be here. Failure to show up to this meeting will result in exile. If you don’t show up, we’re sending you to the parking lot over at Frankensteins Deli for a minimum of of 5 days. We all know how the customers over at Frankensteins like to...
One Of My Many Oscar Worthy Roles
It’s a film entitled “Walking With The Eskimos in Virginia”. I’m the main star, but I also play every other character in the film. It takes place in South Virginia during a violent snow storm that is caused by an impending ice age. The Eskimos are a proud group of 4 — Chito, Bobby, Francis and Wilver.
I accompany them on this trip through the blizzard to deliver...
19 tags
Automated Voice Machine
Hello and thank you for calling To Be Your Friend keychain company. I’m Chuck, your computerized friend. I’m here to help you find what you’re looking for. All you have to do is say the option when you’ve heard it.
If you are calling about an online order that you have made, say “Online Order”.
If you are calling about a defective keychain, or any other...
The Luck of the Draw
It seemed like bad luck at first, but I eventually realized that bad luck doesn’t exist. Bad luck is just life saving your luck. It’s building it up to something. It’s holding on to keep you out. People always talk about “bad luck”, and it is complete nonsense. Bad luck only exist to people that don’t like themselves. If you hate your life, you all of a sudden...
11 tags
Low Income Housing
It’s a beautiful saturday morning in low income housing. A bird is flying gracefully overhead in the sky, chirping away and singing his song. Only to be shot down by a young black man with a 9mm pistol. He laughs.
The American flag standing so tall and proud in the center of the round about, billowing in the wind. Tattered, war torn. The bullet holes have added character to this flag,...
17 tags
Galactic Space Dino (Strong Heart, Weak Arms)
The Galactic Space Dinosaur fights out of spite for the treacherous ruler of the cosmos. Roaming aimlessly through space, the galactic dinosaur uses his eruptive roar as an echo location device to find enemy space craft, new planets, galaxies and moons. Upon encounter of enemy spacecraft or planetoid beings, the galactic space dino will use his laser vision to incinerate all things evil. Soon,...
Stream of Consciousness
The aborigines of Fartain Land believe strongly in the power of gas. Especially, and those most respectively, that come from the derrière. It’s long been an actuality to these people that if you insist on claiming your existence as truth, you must pass gas with each moment. As time passes, so shall your gases.
“White Man want everything. White man hide gas. White man not...
First Grade
The sky is nice.
I eat this rice.
I payed the price.
I have lice.
My brother is Bryce.
Overly Obsessive Sound Enthusiast
Hi, I’m Stan. My microphone is here with me and I can’t wait to talk into it. Sure, I don’t really have anything important to say and, maybe, yeah, I actually don’t know how to turn it on. But, what I will say is that if the opportunity arrises, I am taking it.
I’ve been wanting to talk into this microphone ever since I saw it 15 minutes ago. It’s one of those...
December 2010
9 posts
Anal Itch Away
Do you suffer from an overly itchy asshole? Are you around far too many people to actually reach down and scratch? Do you wish for all of your anal itches to disappear? Well, you and everyone you know are in luck!
Anal Itch Away
Anal Itch Away is a revolutionary new product created by the founders of Black Be Gone ©. Created in founder John Jacobson’s basement, Anal Itch Away is the result...
Quigley, James - Adoration of Space Exploration
14 tags
A Brief Interview With A Soon-To-Be Father In...
A recent baby boom in the United States has set in motion the birth of 10 million new babies per day. Much of the population is unsure as to why such events have started taking place, but one eye witness/participant to these events seems to have the answer.
Interviewer: So, why do you think that these babies are being born?
Witness: To be completely honest with you, I’m unsure.
I: It...